"Fiction is about trouble."

This is quote by author Kent Haruf. His book, Plainsong, is the choice of my town's "One Community, One Book" reading program. Several of my students have been reading it. Haruf visited our school this morning and spent about an hour answering my student's questions.

As someone who dabbles in writing, but hasn't ever been really serious, this was a chance to hear a critically acclaimed author of literary fiction discuss his work and the writing process. One thing that impressed me was his work ethic. Writing is hard work. "If you are waiting for inspiration, you'll wait forever." There is no magic moment where the perfect idea comes. Haruf said that rewrites his sentences over and over. Then rewrites the paragraphs and the pages and the chapters. He writes every morning from 8:00 AM to 12:00 PM.

When asked what he thought made a good book, he said, "The best fiction is an attempt to say something about the human condition." I like that. I've been thinking -- how does my writing say something about the human condition? What is my understanding of the human condition, for that matter? This is something I will be mulling over for awhile.

Trouble in the Scanner

If you are interested in animation or the film making process, here is an interesting article on Richard Linklater's A Scanner Darkly.

new hair color

I'm on a picture kick this morning. Here's one for my aunt!


A few people have wanted to know what I look like since I dyed my hair dark. . . Here's a slightly fuzzy picture. It's the only one I have.

Another Voice

Here is a post that my friend, Blythe, wrote about singleness. This has been a topic that my blog community has been tossing around for a while. I've had several conversations over the past few days about a couple of articles and I think that Blythe has some good words.
Is singleness a legitimate means of suffering?

Family

I've been missing my family lately and was looking at some pictures of us this morning. I thought I would share them with you.


This is us in Florida, visiting my brother and sister-in-law last August. (I'm second from the left on the top row.)





This is my Dad and my sister. I love this picture of them in conversation.









I also love this snapshot of Jess taking a picture of Mom and Dad.

Word Cloud

This is my "word cloud." Shap Shirts will scan your blog and build a "word cloud" for you based on the text in your blog. It's interesting to see the result. (Of course, you can always purchase a T-shirt with the word cloud on the front.)

Interview with the Beast

Here's a nice little interview with Kelsey Grammer, who takes on the role of Hank McCoy (the Beast) for X-Men 3. My hopes are getting a little higher each time I read something about this. (I started out with fairly low expectations, so we'll see...)

Lil Sis, news for you!

This is for my sister - The Bridge to Terabithia is being adapted into a film. Zooey Deschanel has been cast. That's all I know right now, but I'll keep my eyes out for more news.

I've been tagged...

Okay - so Blythe tagged me with these lists of seven things. It's kinda fun, but I think most of the people I would tag -- have already been tagged! (It's so much more fun to start a new thing!) :-) :-)

Anyway - here are my lists -- I'm not sure if I can think of seven for all the catagories, but I'll try.

Seven things to do before I die:
1) Learn to tango
2) Act in a play
3) Write a novel
4) Skydive
5) Own a bookstore
6) Climb a mountain (and go camping - don't rush the climbing. Enjoy it.)
7) Re-learn Chinese (and be better at it this time.)

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1) be a man (I'm NOT sad about this one!) :-) :-)
2) repeat high school (also, not sad)
3) talk to Meme, Grandpa, and Granddaddy this side of heaven
4) be a perfect teacher
5) create music (I wish I was musically talented... In heaven, I believe that I'll have a beautiful, on pitch singing voice!)
6)
7)

Seven Things That Attract Me to My Mate:
(or in my case, a potential mate)
1) someone who loves Jesus and seeks a growing relationship with God
2) someone who seeks to know themselves and others
3) makes me laugh! (and finds me funny!) :-) :-)
4) loves my brain and challenges me intellectually
5) is willing to love me by dancing in the living room (If they like it- even better)
6) enjoys music (and lyrics/poetry)
7) enjoys books, movies, TV, art etc. (esp. areas that I'm not as familiar with. I love to learn new things with someone.)

Seven Things I Say:
1) Does that make sense?
2) Okay. . .
3) So, anyway . . .
4) intriguing
5) fascinating
6)
7)

What kind of life?

I was sent an excerpt from a book today over e-mail. At first I thought it was just another article on singleness. (There are a million of them.) But, as I read it, I noticed two things. There is a conversation about half way through about suffering. Good points. And then later, the question about how I want to live...

I think that question is wrapped up in the question of who I want to be. Not what kind of life do I want have -- but what kind of person do I want to be? This question has been a tremendous change for me. Instead of thinking that I don't want to give into a particular sin -- it's "I don't want to be the kind of woman who does that." It seems like a small difference, but it really quite huge. Instead of asking God to change my behavior, I'm asking him to change my heart.

I believe this.

A quote from C.S. Lewis found its way to me today.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

I think that this quote has been part of my journey for the past few years. The struggle to be vulnerable and to love. To be hurt and not build a wall or protective space around my life to protect myself from further hurt. Tough, tough stuff. But, I believe it's also the stuff of the abundant life. Let us live.

Am I a writer yet?

You're a Dialogue/Character Writer!


What kind of writer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well - now I know... I guess I don't have to worry, now that I've been catgorized by a little quiz! (Actually, it's right. I do love characters and dialogue.

for the Carrie Bradshaw in us...

If you don't know who Carrie Bradshaw is -- you'll want to skip this post! Here is a blog I found that is full of the fashion and the funny. Manolo's Shoe Blog

God is amazing!

I have to share a small detail from today. In my last post, I mentioned telling a story to my practicum class. The story involved the wedding of my dear friend, Lisa. We were very close in college and although I think both love each other deeply -- we haven't talked in awhile. It's not a rift or either person's fault, just one of those life things. We are both very busy women in very different places and haven't touched base in awhile. Telling the story of Lisa's wedding and my emotional response to a few things that happened there reminded me how much I missed my friend. And guess what - when I got home from work today. . . an e-mail from Lisa was waiting for me! We haven't talked in at least a year and a half and she writes two days after I've had a pretty intense time talking about a significant day in her life. God is amazing. I have no doubt that he prompted her to write.

So Lisa, if you are reading this -- I've missed you, girlfriend, and can't wait to hear about your life!

P.S. - I should mention that the sad stuff from that day wasn't Lisa's fault! (It sorta sounded like she did something. She was awesome that day and a very radiant bride!)

State of the Heart

I've been thinking about posting a bit more on how I am doing personally and the post of a friend challenged me to do so -- so here goes. Much of my family (and several close friends) are very far away. This is primarily for you. For the rest of you -- welcome to a picture of my heart today. You are welcome also, but you certainly don't have to stick around for the story...

I told a bit of my story in practicum last night. (Practicum is a class I am taking at a local seminary. It is a "practical" working out of principles we are learning in our other classes. It functions as a sort of guided therapy session, although that is a very inadequate description.) Last night, I told a piece of my story to the group and a few of my fellow students worked through it with me, with guidance from our professor. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that it really touched on some beliefs I carry about myself.

I came home from that meeting feeling like I had said a lot of really dumb things. That my story was dumb and my responses to questions were really dumb. And yet, I know I am not a dumb person! In fact, I'm pretty smart. It's kinda of a weird dynamic. I know that what I said was fine. There wasn't anything spectacularly stupid in it. So why do I feel like there was? I think I've come to a point in my journey where I can step back and say, "Okay, that's not the truth. Where is that coming from?" Why do I feel like what I say is stupid and that people think I'm annoying? (I'm not really asking for affirmation here, I just want to ask the question.) What gives us these impressions of ourselves that aren't true? Why do I believe that I am unattractive and that any guy who pays attention to me is doing me a favor?

My professor challenged me with a couple of things. He asked me to "broaden my horizons." I'm really not at all sure what that means. I know that he didn't mean I need to go learn more stuff. So - what does it look like to have broad horizons? I think the answer is wrapped up in why I don't really understand the question.

Another statement that he made is that I'm not very curious about myself. I rejected that at first, but the more I think about it, the more I see that it's true. I don't really question why I believe things or react in certain ways. I've been thinking about what that means. What would it look like to be curious? (See the above paragraph for an attempt on my part.) I think I'm walking down that road a little just by writing this blog.

I'm throwing the question out into the void. What does it look like to have broad horizons? If my horizon is broad, I can see really far. There isn't a lot cluttering up my landscape. I am often easily distracted from pain or self examination by all the stuff in my life. Maybe broadening my horizons means less and not more? Less clutter and more looking. More seeing the scope of my life. (Okay, that sounded cheesy, but I like the phrase, so I'm keeping it in!) :-) I struggle to see myself and others clearly. It often seems like there is a filter that fits in front of my soul as I interact with the world. It's a filter that distorts the truth of situations.

I think broadening my horizons might involve continuing to examine that filter. Why do I have this message that I'm dumb, unattractive, and responsible for the world? Those are all lies and yet resonate pretty strong in my heart. Yuck. Maybe the filter is made of that "miry clay" that we can get stuck in. Jesus, pull me out! (Don't you just love the Psalms? I think David and the other writers went almost every place the heart can go.)

I don't want to navel gaze in the midst of this. I want to look out. To see others and their stories. I want to heal in my own life and hopefully help bring healing to others. We are all broken people living together. I kinda of like that image. Here is a bit of my brokenness. It's okay if you are a little broken also.

Okay, maybe Keanu won't be so bad...

This is the new trailer for A Scanner Darkly. Looks very interesting. I've been hearing a lot of buzz about this for a while. It's based on a Philip K. Dick story. Always a good recommendation in my opinion. Doesn't mean it'll be good, but the source material was, so there's hope. Unfortunately, some dumb investment bank or something ripped off the technique in their commercials. It makes the movie look like a knock off of the commercials, instead of the other way around. Dumb commercials...

The Olympics

Well, first I have to say that I'm not a sports girl. Those of you who know me will laugh at that. I'm REALLY not a sports girl. That said - I do get involved with the game if someone I know cares about it. If they care, I care. (Which means that my team loyalties tend to depend on who I'm with, although I do tend to like the underdog.) I've found that if someone will tell me a story about the players or the team, I'm much more likely to care. Why is it important that this person or this team wins??

As a result, I haven't been watching much of the Olympics. My roommate is out of town and I usually get caught up in sports when she turns them on. However, I've noticed that several people I know are keeping a medal count. This seems to be some sort of ranking of value for the country. We have more medals than you = we are better. Hmmm. There's something in me that rejects this. (I don't like it in the Summer Olympics either.) What if a smaller country sent one team that had worked for years to get there and earned 4th place? That's an amazing story. Those are the pieces of the Olympics that I am interested. When Keri Scrug did that vault on her damaged ankle, when the Jamaican bob-sled team competed, etc.

However, it is kinda fun to keep track of the tally -- congratulations to Canada and Russia! (I don't know anyone from Germany or Norway.) :-) I think what started me thinking about this was yesterday when Alexey (a student of mine from Russia) asked to check the medal count before class started. He was pretty proud that Russia was second. I liked that and because of Alexey, if Russia obliterates the U.S. in the medal count -- that's okay with me.

Blast from the Past

I was hanging around at Wal-mart this afternoon, waiting for my flat tire to be fixed. Yuck. (Having to wait for the AAA guy while it's bazillion below zero is not my favorite way to spend a Friday afternoon.) Anyway - I decided to treat myself to a DVD I been thinking about for a while -- Season One of The Muppet Show

"It's time to play the music! It's time to light the lights! It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight!!"

I forgot how funny it was!! The very first skit is the "Mahna Mahna" song. It's currently being used on a Dr. Pepper commercial. (The one with the girl in the restaurant with the amazing guy and after she sips her Dr. Pepper, all she can hear is people singing, "Manamana...") I never realized that it was from the Muppet Show. Anyway - it's just getting better. It's so self-referential. Kermit keeps drawing our attention to the fact that he's a puppet and how weird it is that he is doing all the stuff he is doing. It truly is brilliant. I'm genuinely looking forward to the rest.

Later...okay, now it's the second episode and Connie Stevens is coming on to Kermit... That's just weird.

I think I'm going to have a running commentary. I just can't resist. Now it's episode three and Joel Grey is performing "Cabaret" with the Muppets. To me, Joel Grey is the old man who tried to kill Dawn on to of the scaffolding at the end of Buffy Season 5. I know that he is famous for his work on Broadway, but he'll always be that very creepy man to me. So, here he is on the Muppet Show as a much younger, happy man. So strange...but fun! Kermit is asking him about his little daughter, Jennifer. (She grew up to be "Baby" in Dirty Dancing :-)

Hee hee hee

This is only going to be funny if you are very familiar with the work of Joss Whedon...Joss takes over Peanuts.

These crazy technology kids...

Well - I've joined a new virtual community. Apparently, Facebook is all the rage with the hip and happening college students. Since some of my close friends work and do ministry with the college crowd, I've been introduced to the newest phenomenon.
Here is my profile if you care to see a little of the real "Jill Pole"...
I don't know if those of you who aren't on Facebook can view it. You might have to join through your high school or university. I'm not sure.

Not another one....

Okay - yet another quiz...this is getting a little dumb. :-) This one was actually fairly involved. I was hoping to end up on Serenity, but apparently Moya is more my style. That's okay, I could handle looking at John Crichton for awhile. :-) (I've got to stop killing time with these things.)

You scored as Moya (Farscape). You are surrounded by muppets. But that is okay because they are your friends and have shown many times that they can be trusted. Now if only you could stop being bothered about wormholes. Moya (Farscape) 94% Serenity (Firefly) 81% Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) 69% Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica) 63% Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix) 63% Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda) 63% SG-1 (Stargate) 63% Deep Space Nine (Star Trek) 56% Enterprise D (Star Trek) 56% Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 44% Bebop (Cowboy Bebop) 44% FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files) 38% Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com

Andreas Katsulas has died...

Another actor that I respect has passed away. Most of you probably know Katsulas as "the one armed man" from Harrison Ford's The Fugitive. However, Katsulas played one of the greatest characters that has ever graced the small screen -- G'Kar on Babylon 5. Over five years, G'Kar grew from a bitter and very angry warrior to a man of peace. His character arc was one of the most engaging storylines in a brilliant show. I cannot imagine any other actor taking on that roll. Katsulas took a lot of risks and they paid off in spades.

What kind of coffee am I?

I couldn't resist this one either. A friend put it up on her blog and I had to find out what kind of coffee I am. Jess - we're the same! :-) (The funny thing is that although I should be given coffee straight to the vein -- I never drink it black. Always flavored with creamer and Splenda. A guy I used to date said that I didn't drink actual coffee, it was just glorified hot chocolate...)

You are a Black Coffee

At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Happy Valentine's Day

For several reasons, I have been thinking about relationships between men and women lately. Today seems to be a good day to ramble through some thoughts on the subject. I'm of two minds when it comes to Valentine's Day. On one hand, it seems to be such a fake holiday. The greeting card companies, flower shops and candy makers profit and the rest of us feel bad. If you aren't in a relationship, then you feel incredibly left out. If you are, then your partner often fails to live up to your expectations and the day is a disappointment. It seems to be a bummer for many people I know. On the other hand -- it's a holiday that celebrates love. How wonderful is that? Even if it does focus on romantic love, it's still a beautiful idea. (And I will always have the dream that something amazing will happen on Valentine's Day. It never does, but the holiday is certainly filled with possibility. That's not a bad thing.) So, in conclusion -- I don't know what I think about February 14th.

On a similar note, I have been watching The Bachelor recently. A friend at work (male) has been watching it with his girlfriend and telling us about it at lunch. Then several people in a class I am teaching started watching it. So, I joined in. At first, I really enjoyed it. It was fun to see the story play out, especially in the early days. But now, hearts are engaged. Last night, it was down to three remaining women. Travis, the bachelor, took each of them to an exotic location for an extended date. This seemed to be a chance for them to spend some one-on-one time with each other and get away from the craziness of the show. The problem is that he's doing it with three different women. How can this end well? For two women, their hearts will be broken; for the third -- her man has given pieces of his heart to other women. How tragic.

I was actually a little uncomfortable watching these relationships. To add to the awkwardness, at some point in the evening the couple is offered the chance to "forgo their individual rooms and spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite." Now - this could definitely be a night of chatting and getting to know each other away from the cameras, but it is certainly implied by the show and the way the footage is edited that Travis had sex with each of these three women. I think that some of that is manipulated. The show is edited to keep us guessing and somewhat titillated, but still -- the fact that this is implied is disturbing. Why is this seen as 1) normal and 2) a necessary part of deciding who he should fall in love with? Why has much of the world lost the delight and mystery in sex? Why can't this be a private thing between a husband and wife that leads to deeper emotional intimacy? Am I just being naive? In addition, I'm definitely outside a social circle that has casual sex, but I'm wondering if a piece of this translates in my world. What if I'm a bad kisser? Is this going to be an issue if I'm ever in a relationship? It's been 12 years since I've kissed anyone, so maybe I've forgotten how! :-) :-) (Okay, maybe not!) :-) But still, is that part of the evaluation process? What if we don't have "chemistry"? Can we allow that to grow, or is the relationship doomed without it?

Anyway, I am definitely disturbed by the way this show has treated the idea of sex before marriage. I think that there is more in my response than just that I think it's wrong. There's something else bothering me and I can't figure out what it is.

Doctor Who 2006

So I finally watched the Christmas Special episode of the new Doctor Who series. It was awesome. I really like the new Doctor, played by David Tennant. That's not to say that I didn't like Christopher Eccleston -- I did, but I think the new guy is going to be terrific. I like his chemistry with Rose.

There is just something about the humor in Doctor Who that I enjoy. And there is also something genuinely scary about it for me. I know, everything looks a little cheesy, but the show keeps doing these faceless bad guys. Somewhat terrifying. The first episode from last year had mannequins that came alive. Genuinely creepy! (For some reason, I'm creeped out by mannequins...especially homicidal mannequins. I wonder why?) :-) :-) Anyway - thumbs up for the new Doctor. Looking forward to more.

Trailers, at last...

The Second Chance - Michael W. Smith?? In a movie? At first, I thought this would be incredibly dumb. But, after looking at the trailer, it seems to be a cut above the typical Christian movie. I have hopes that the story is not lost in the agenda. I might actually watch this one.

Ultraviolet - just looks fun. Girl kicks butt and takes names. What's not to like?

Water - I am intrigued by stories from India. Here is one that I want to see.

V for Vendetta - I'm always interested in movies that are based on comic books and graphic novels. This one deals with politics, power, and vengence. (And Natalie Portman is always amazing.)

Friends with Money - I keep hoping that Jennifer Aniston will hit her stride in film. Maybe this will be it.

Don't Come Knocking - great cast and I can't quite figure it out from the trailer. I like that. And it's about an actor. With Sam Shepard as the lead. Interesting.

Joyeux Noel - The story of Christmas Eve in 1914 in a battlefield in France. This looks amazing.

and just for fun, even though I've put them up before...

Superman Returns - I can't wait!! :-) :-)

X-Men 3 - Looking forward to more Wolverine and Rogue.

Quiz

Okay, normally I resist those internet quizzes -- you know, the "find out which character you resemble..." quizzes. But I couldn't resist this one. And then I ended up to be the character I wanted to be! :-) Silly? Yes. Don't care. :-) :-)



Known as the only one who can control Josh Lyman, she answers to his every bellow. She has a thing for Yo-Yo Ma, philately, and Josh... but won't act on it. Although hired on the Bartlet Campaign by pure luck, Donnatella has now proven herself to be a valuable asset.

:: Which West Wing character are you? ::

Likeable protagonists we don't like

I loved this post from Mark T.R. Donohue over at SMRT-TV.

I just hate that guy

Donohue takes an approach that I never considered. (and he uses some of my absolute favorite shows to prove his point.) It's funny that I am just finishing up watching the first season of Deep Space Nine and he is completely correct about Julian Bashir. I remember the doctor from much later in the show and I loved his character. During the first season, I keep thinking, "Oh grow up!" I am looking forward to watching his character grow as the seasons progress. I wonder why he didn't include Wesley from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Wesley started out as the dorkiest of all dorky guys and his character grew into one of the toughest men on TV. Wesley was smart, tough and good in a fight. He learned how to deal with women and various demon bad guys. When he first arrived on Buffy, he annoyed everyone. When he left Angel, everyone cried.

In other news - Amazon is having a sale on a lot of Fox TV shows. Check it out if you're interested.
Amazon's 50% off TV sale

Okay, this is just funny...

I laughed out loud several times. I think this is funny even if you haven't read the Harry Potter novels. If you have, it's riot. :-)
The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook: Harry Potter

Memories of Star Trek

I think I told you earlier how Star Trek: The Next Generation and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine have gotten cheaper? Well - I had a few gift certificates and so I purchased the first seasons of both shows from Amazon. (The only place I have found the cheaper price so far.) I sat down to watch "Encounter at Farpoint" the other night. I was actually a little giddy. It had been years and years since I watched it, and I was remembering my mom and I sneaking out of a conference to go back to our hotel and watch it. That was so fun. Mom "breaking the rules" just a little to spend time with me doing something that we both wanted to share. I've never forgotten that.

Anyway - as the episode was beginning, it was so cool. Captain Picard, Data, etc. -- all for the first time. And yet, as the episode went on, I found myself getting a little bored. It doesn't help that I really don't like "Q" very much unless he's interacting with Captain Janeway. (John de Lancie and Kate Mulgrew were close friends in real life and it showed in their chemistry on screen.) Anyway - I found myself fast forwarding through most of the Q scenes and all that courtroom stuff. It just wasn't that good of an episode. I was surprised that I didn't enjoy it more.

On the other hand -- I sat down yesterday to watch the pilot of Deep Space Nine. Wow. That show has held up. Five episodes later I finally went to sleep. It was so fun to watch the crew start finding their places -- and the wormhole and the Cardassians and the Kai.... I had forgotten that Garek shows up in the second episode. DS9 tells such a wonderful story. I had forgotten why most people say it was the best Star Trek series. Now I heartily concur. I am looking forward to the rest of the series. Hopefully the 4-7th seasons will also get cheaper!

Engage.

The Fellowship of the Ringless

Here is an article by Camerin Courtney. I've been enjoying her perspective on singleness lately. She is a balanced writer and I appreciate that so much. (Sometimes articles written about singleness can get very lopsided -- "oh woe is me!" or "life is a happy circus! Whoo Hoo!!") :-) The title of the article caught my eye, of course, but then I went on to read a nice reminder. I like the idea of being part of a fellowship. I think we (singletons) often think that being married is a special club to which we don't know the secret handshake. Somehow those people get to have a life that I don't have. But that's just not true. There is a fellowship and camaraderie in being single. Sometimes it's nice to think, "Hey, I'm still in the cool club!" :-) :-)