State of the Heart

I've been thinking about posting a bit more on how I am doing personally and the post of a friend challenged me to do so -- so here goes. Much of my family (and several close friends) are very far away. This is primarily for you. For the rest of you -- welcome to a picture of my heart today. You are welcome also, but you certainly don't have to stick around for the story...

I told a bit of my story in practicum last night. (Practicum is a class I am taking at a local seminary. It is a "practical" working out of principles we are learning in our other classes. It functions as a sort of guided therapy session, although that is a very inadequate description.) Last night, I told a piece of my story to the group and a few of my fellow students worked through it with me, with guidance from our professor. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that it really touched on some beliefs I carry about myself.

I came home from that meeting feeling like I had said a lot of really dumb things. That my story was dumb and my responses to questions were really dumb. And yet, I know I am not a dumb person! In fact, I'm pretty smart. It's kinda of a weird dynamic. I know that what I said was fine. There wasn't anything spectacularly stupid in it. So why do I feel like there was? I think I've come to a point in my journey where I can step back and say, "Okay, that's not the truth. Where is that coming from?" Why do I feel like what I say is stupid and that people think I'm annoying? (I'm not really asking for affirmation here, I just want to ask the question.) What gives us these impressions of ourselves that aren't true? Why do I believe that I am unattractive and that any guy who pays attention to me is doing me a favor?

My professor challenged me with a couple of things. He asked me to "broaden my horizons." I'm really not at all sure what that means. I know that he didn't mean I need to go learn more stuff. So - what does it look like to have broad horizons? I think the answer is wrapped up in why I don't really understand the question.

Another statement that he made is that I'm not very curious about myself. I rejected that at first, but the more I think about it, the more I see that it's true. I don't really question why I believe things or react in certain ways. I've been thinking about what that means. What would it look like to be curious? (See the above paragraph for an attempt on my part.) I think I'm walking down that road a little just by writing this blog.

I'm throwing the question out into the void. What does it look like to have broad horizons? If my horizon is broad, I can see really far. There isn't a lot cluttering up my landscape. I am often easily distracted from pain or self examination by all the stuff in my life. Maybe broadening my horizons means less and not more? Less clutter and more looking. More seeing the scope of my life. (Okay, that sounded cheesy, but I like the phrase, so I'm keeping it in!) :-) I struggle to see myself and others clearly. It often seems like there is a filter that fits in front of my soul as I interact with the world. It's a filter that distorts the truth of situations.

I think broadening my horizons might involve continuing to examine that filter. Why do I have this message that I'm dumb, unattractive, and responsible for the world? Those are all lies and yet resonate pretty strong in my heart. Yuck. Maybe the filter is made of that "miry clay" that we can get stuck in. Jesus, pull me out! (Don't you just love the Psalms? I think David and the other writers went almost every place the heart can go.)

I don't want to navel gaze in the midst of this. I want to look out. To see others and their stories. I want to heal in my own life and hopefully help bring healing to others. We are all broken people living together. I kinda of like that image. Here is a bit of my brokenness. It's okay if you are a little broken also.