Joy and Happiness

I've been thinking a lot lately about happiness and joy. I know that there is a difference and, intellectually, I can talk about "happiness is circumstantial and joy is based on the eternal." I know all this. But right now, I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I'm sure there have been moments in the past year, but I can't remember them. I have been two breaths away from crying for months. It's getting old. There have been a lot of fun times and some laughter, but they were in reaction to something funny. -- So maybe what I really mean to say is that I've been happy, but I can't remember the last time I was joyful.

I wish that the joy that I know is real would be part of my heart and my life in a more concrete way. There is hope and heaven is waiting. I know that. I guess it's just hard to get promises to move from my head to my heart. It seems like the joyful lives in my head and the sad lives in my heart.

I was talking to a friend a while ago about what we hope for. We talked about the need to have something to anticipate. I'm seeing the reality of this right now. For several months I was looking forward to two things - my roses blooming and the end of school. Yep. That's it. I know that it seems a little sad and empty, but it's the truth. Well, it's June and school is over and my roses are blooming. (They are beautiful, by the way. Thank you, Jesus.) My sister is coming to visit and I can't wait for that. That's my next thing. Maybe I just need to have one thing at a time. Sometimes I pause and think that heaven seems to be the next good thing. I know it's not, but it seems that way. Those are the not-so-good days.

I don't want to always be looking toward tomorrow. I'm sure there are many, many things to find joy in today. The reality of my life right now is that I just can't see them. It seems like there is the smokey blue curtain that just covers everything. It only takes a thought and I'm crying again. I hate that. (Esp. when I do it in public. I'm really tired of crying in front of random people. Good friends, okay -- but my boss at work, not so much!)

I feel a little weird spewing all this onto the net, but it's easier for me to think if I'm talking or writing. It helps to have someone to listen. So, in the words of Jane Eyre, "Thank you, Dear Reader." The truth is, I'm not really walking around in a rain of depression. Maybe it's more like a slight drizzle.

There is a book title that has been running through my head lately. The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. It's not so much the contents of book that I have been thinking of -- just the title. What does it look like in my life to truly know the presence of God always? Am I still sad? I think so. God being with me does not change the circumstances of my life. But His presence certainly brings joy. The real kind, not the circumstantial kind. What will it mean for God to bind my broken heart?

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."