Saturday morning, part 2

You know, sometimes I wonder what the point of dealing with the crap in my life is for. I mean, I know the eternal point. I long to be more Christ-like. But honestly, it seems that ever since I have been trying to honestly deal with my heart and my past and the patterns of relating that govern my life -- it keeps getting harder and harder. Circumstantially. Life just keeps throwing me really nasty curve balls. The kind of pitch that you think you are going to knock out of the park and then it breaks your collarbone going ninety miles an hour. (I'm not exactly sure if that sports analogy works -- but it's all I've got right now.)

I don't want to give up. Not really. But sometimes I wonder how I can keep functioning out in the world as a normal, healthy person. Or even what the point is. I just want to buy a cabin out in the woods and wait for Jesus to come back. Or maybe just lose myself in stories of other people's lives forever. -- You know, I was thinking last night that there is something so seductive with the idea of virtual reality. The thought that someday I could slip on a device and be part of a false world is truly terrifying in its appeal. I would never have to interact with real people, just pale facsimiles of real people. What if the virtual reality had conflict and growth, but somehow always ended up with a fairy tale ending? Oh, that would be such a temptation. When I say it's terrifying, I mean that I'm not sure I would resist. It would be nice to disappear for awhile. I bet Philip K. Dick wrote a short story about something like that. I'll have to check and see. It would have to be a horror story to some extent, or at least very creepy.

Life never works out the way you hope it will, you know? Sometimes, some of your worst fears just stare at you in the face. The thing that last year you thought would be one of the hardest to face, just walks in your front door. You know, it's hard when the thing that just rips you into shreds is the very thing that makes people you love happy. You really don't want it change, because they'll be hurt. Sometimes life sucks. Jesus never promised that we would have a life free of suffering. In fact, he said the opposite. But I hope that someday this year will turn around. My birthday is coming up. Maybe 32 will be better than 31.

As I look back over this post, it feels really whiny and full of self-pity. But that's where I'm am this morning. Tomorrow, I'll probably won't be so focused on myself, but today I am. I certainly don't want to live in this place, but I don't want to run from it either.