Sometimes, like everyone else, I get discouraged in my job. I think this year has been especially rife with work related frustrations. It's been tough, and I've been losing sight of why I teach in the first place. Then I have a day like today.
I had a conversation today that I have never had before. During the morning, I noticed that one of my students looked pretty upset. Normally, Mike (not his real name) is a pretty upbeat kid. I had him in one of my classes last year and so I know him fairly well. (As well as any teacher can, I guess.) Anyway, I noticed that he was not doing well and so I asked him to run an errand for me to the counseling office. I know that students, especially guys, don't like to let their emotions show in class and sometimes they are incredibly grateful if they can just be out of the room for a few minutes to collect their thoughts.
Anyway - before Mike left for the counseling office, he quietly pulled me aside and asked which counselor he should see if he had a problem with something to do with sex. This, of course, raised a ton of red flags for me so I told him which counselor I thought could help. I assumed that he found out his girlfriend was pregnant. (This is much more common than most people think it is.)
He came back to class pretty quick and had clearly not talked to anyone about his issue. I pulled him aside and asked if he had found who he was looking for. He hadn't and his body language was practically begging me to ask him what was wrong. So I did. I told him that he could talk to me if he needed an adult ear. That opened the floodgates.
Mike told me that he had his first homosexual experience last night and started crying. He pulled out a sheet of paper that he had used to write down what had happened. He was so terrified of talking about it, but so desperate to tell. We talked for just a few minutes because I didn't want to draw any more attention to him than absolutely necessary. (During all of this, my class was working on small group discussions. I don't think they noticed anything amiss.)
Anyway - I told Mike that if he needed to talk, he could come back during lunch and I would listen. He instantly relaxed and said that he wanted to talk. Well - at this point, I was freaking out a little because this is way out of my league. Mike was tearing up, and I said he could go collect himself in the restroom across the hall.
I spent most of 4th hour praying and frantically e-mailing a friend and the youth leader at my church, Jeremy. Jeremy wrote back with some great advice that consisted primarily of -- listen to his story. I knew that, but it was comforting to hear that I didn't have to have the perfect words. God has them and knows what Mike needs.
So - lunch time comes and Mike comes in immediately. I left the door open, of course, and the teacher across the hall could see our conversation. (This is important, because I am a little worried about having such an intense discussion with a male student. Things can get sticky and I'm glad that Tim was there.) Anyway - Mike told me his story. The actual event from last night wasn't the key issue, in my opinion. The first thing I said to him when he sat down was that nothing he could tell me, nothing he had done or would ever do could change the fact that he is a very special young man with incredible value. The tears just started to pour down his face. I'm not sure that anyone has told ever told him that. I'm getting a little teary right now as I type this.
In his words, he comes from a very religious family and is afraid he is going to hell. He wants to be a good Christian example for his little sister, but he is so desperately tired of trying to be perfect. I could just see the weight of trying to measure up to what are probably impossible standards. He talked a lot about "doing" bad things and being afraid. I talked a little about not being as concerned with his behavior as I am with his heart. This also caused tears to fall.
He talked about how he knows that this relationship can't last. He wants a family and children someday and will probably end it this summer. I think he wants to get out, but doesn't know how. In his words, this guy offers him a friendship that is completely understanding and accepting and he doesn't get that anywhere. He wants the acceptance and understanding, but is scared and unsure how to react to the sex. (At this point, I was so out of my comfort zone that I just didn't know what to do, other than offer him a listening ear.) His talk about his family and God opened up a little door to talk about God caring about his heart also. I think that he has been pretty traumatized with, "You shouldn't sin. You'll go to hell!" How do I show him the love of God? He is just at the beginning of experimenting with homosexuality and yet, I can see that if he keeps going down this road -- he'll lose the part of his heart that makes him cry now. That breaks my heart. I don't want him to be hardened.
I don't know if God has more for me with Mike, but please pray for him. He is a special young man with an amazing heart. I know that there is a battle for his heart. I saw a big piece of that today. Please pray that he would hear truth and listen to the part of his heart that is telling him that this relationship isn't what he is looking for.
